Adjunct Communication Professor, Dr. Wendy Riemann, recently had her research on social support after a broken marriage engagement published in the journal Qualitative Research in Medicine & Healthcare. Dr. Riemann's study finds that everyone has the power to help someone heal, regardless of their relationship with that person. From bartender to coworker, friend or relative, the study supports the idea that no one should underestimate their healing power in offering thoughtful words. After a broken engagement, sometimes friends and family provide the best support; but other times, kind words from a stranger can go a long way too.
Dr. Riemann’s paper identifies the messages that were the most helpful and the least helpful for people experiencing a broken marriage engagement, as well as some mixed messages that were found to be helpful to some, unhelpful to others, and often a double-edged sword.
Dr. Riemann interviewed over 40 people to hear about their broken engagement experiences and organized the support phrases into a metaphorical stoplight: green are messages that were found to be most helpful for study participants; yellow advises people to use caution with certain phrases, as these messages helped some people but didn’t help others; and, red describes the phrases that study participants said were least helpful to them as they processed and moved on from the breakup.
Most Helpful:
- Convey your listening, i.e. “I’m here if you want to vent”
- Spending time with someone, i.e. offering to do an activity together where the person can choose to talk about it or not
- Tangible support, i.e. making meals, dropping off moving boxes, or offering a place to stay are ways to be supportive without the person needing to make asks
Sometimes Helpful:
- Monday Morning Quarterbacking, i.e. criticizing the relationship (“I never thought you two would last”), criticizing the ex-partner (“I never liked them”), or gossiping about the ex-partner’s indiscretions or shortcomings (“I’m pretty sure they cheated on you”)
- “I’m Sorry:” Apologies are often natural first reactions, which are helpful to some when said sincerely. However, for people who found courage to leave an abusive relationship or a partner with addictions, apologizing may make them question their decision or make them feel like they must justify their decision. Apologizing can also make someone feel like a failure if they are worried about disappointing loved ones.
Least Helpful:
- Platitude, i.e. “there are more fish in the sea” or “you’ll find love again”
- Passing judgment, i.e. “are you sure about this?” or “move on already”
Overall, Dr. Riemann found that study participants were usually understanding of others if they felt the person was genuinely trying to be helpful. She says these are general messaging guidelines to follow, but it’s important to recognize that every relationship and breakup is unique, as well as the personal relationships people have with the person experiencing a broken engagement.
WATCH: Dr. Riemann breaks down more of these key phrases and discusses ways in which people can apply this research to their everyday lives in this video here.
To read more about Dr. Wendy Riemann and her research, read her faculty bio here.